"We had a lockdown drill today." From the back seat, she was relating the events from her school day—more specifically, from the sixth grade—while I drove her home. I often wondered what percentage of the conversations between me and my youngest child, who had, quite literally, grown up in the car, had gone exactly like … Continue reading Triangles
Fragile
I was planning to take this on, as they say, "in my next life". But I have realized that this plan, necessitated as it is by the demise of this life—which I am otherwise really enjoying and pretty deeply investing in continuing—is not as foolproof as I would like. Even in a best case scenario, … Continue reading Fragile
Pencil marks
It just never occurred to me to discuss the door jamb. The kids were little, which is to say that they were almost always messy, which was not great, and often sticky-handsy, which was even worse. The first two vertical feet of walls and corners and door jambs of our little house could, to an … Continue reading Pencil marks
On the occasion of his 80th birthday
Last year on this day, at the very beginning of 2017, I linked this blog post to my Facebook page, "outing" myself as a blogger, and as a wannabe writer. I cannot tell you how terrifying this was. My hands shook. My heart raced. I felt like I was going to throw up. It still … Continue reading On the occasion of his 80th birthday
How to knit a grown up
The holidays are over now, for real. Every young adult iteration of Christmas break—from the all-too-brief workaday kind to the endless weeks-on-end college kind—has ended. The “big kids” are gone. They have returned now to their parallel universes: their schools, jobs, and lives in townhouses, apartments, and smaller apartments where they live, places that, I … Continue reading How to knit a grown up
I can’t even
I hate to mention this, Moms of the World, though it is a truth that you already know. Christmas is drawing near. We are all running out of time. And because we are moms, and there is always so much around the holidays—even if our shopping is done and our wrapping is complete, even if … Continue reading I can’t even
Being Santa
I have lost my job. I only just realized this today. It happened so gradually that I didn't even notice the signs, though clearly I should have. Like many who work in the same position for a long time, I'd become good at it, and I took a lot of pride in the work I … Continue reading Being Santa
Becoming Real
The Velveteen Rabbit has never sounded quite the same to me since breast cancer. I always found Margery Williams’ classic tale to be a somewhat dark and tragic and not at all Christmas-y story, what with the incidence and management of scarlet fever, and the burning of the child’s toys and all. But my kids … Continue reading Becoming Real
Opening doors
Advent, the season of watchful waiting, begins today. Not in the official, liturgical, grown up kind of way, which I think must start this coming Sunday, but in the other, childish kind of way. The one that commences December 1st and that begins with that first little, colorful, and numbered cardboard door opening the way … Continue reading Opening doors
grateful
grateful just that, today on its own without qualifier or explanation without maybe soon or someday or if only or except the space around it allowing room for it and me and everything to be enough #52for52 (26/52)
Stories and small things
Some of the stories will really get to you. They'll get to you through your television if the stories are interesting, or surprising in some way, and especially if the murder victims are wealthy or white. If there is someone there to notice, to mourn, to tell the TV people the stories of how the … Continue reading Stories and small things
Taking stock
When the first chill comes—even when it is long overdue, when we have been on delightful late-summer borrowed time for weeks, when we know we cannot in good conscience complain—even then, when it comes, some of us get a little weird. It doesn't help that Daylight Savings Time is a bandit, stealing our beloved afternoons, … Continue reading Taking stock
23, on the way to 52
My daughter turned 23 this week, and so did my #52for52 project. Significantly more time was spent planning and executing a celebration of the first event, which, predictably, resulted in a mild neglect of the second. But you know how much I like numbers, and coincidences, so you will not be surprised to hear that … Continue reading 23, on the way to 52
Autumn 1970
Whisked out into the cold fall air I remember no words spoken just the unnerving strangeness of a night journey My father driving us in the car having been spirited from our beds and wearing heavy coats over pajamas our footie-feet scratching over leaves as we hurried out four together on the back seat as we … Continue reading Autumn 1970
Filtered light
"Don’t you love how the light is there?" Light and dark meant something different when I was younger, and my kids were little, probably because, like all of us moms, I was so busy. Light and dark were just days and nights of blurry movement that ran together, one exactly like the day before. To … Continue reading Filtered light
Stolen (#MBCAD)
I still keep their names in a list. Technically, I don’t need to hang on to the list; I mean, I don’t even work there anymore. I never really needed to keep a list in the first place; it just seemed to me like there should be some kind of a record of their names. I … Continue reading Stolen (#MBCAD)
A new stage of breast cancer “awareness”
It’s October again. I know this not from the calendar, or by the pumpkins. I had not yet noticed the leaves beginning change, or the days ending earlier. But I know with certainty that it is October because I am a breast cancer survivor, and everywhere I look, everything, it seems, is pink. October, as … Continue reading A new stage of breast cancer “awareness”
The times I wish I’d said Yes
My daughter was probably six or seven at the time. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon in fall and we were at the soccer field. Her hair was pulled into French braids which were never as good as I would have liked, but were the best I could do, in a failing attempt to keep … Continue reading The times I wish I’d said Yes
Plein air
I long to be a plein air painter, carrying my easel in a case on my back, my tools of creation upon and within me. I would wander about, as artists do, searching for the just-right spot. (Artists have a good eye for that.) I would be a part of and apart from the landscape, … Continue reading Plein air
“We belong”
I can name that tune in two notes. It doesn't take any notes, really; just those two words will work just fine to cue the Pat Benatar song in my head. I wanted to put the next word in the title, too, which is of course together, but it turns out that you can only … Continue reading “We belong”
Parent Jail
Maybe if I'd watched more prison movies, it would be easier. Maybe I'd be better at this. At staying, successfully, on the outside. As it is, my knowledge of more typical incarceration and parole, and the scourge of recidivism, is limited mostly to the Shawshank Redemption, and the dozens of times that I've painstakingly watched … Continue reading Parent Jail
Driven
It is impossible to separate the memories of her early life from the car. More specifically, it is impossible to separate anything of the childhood of our family's "baby" from the minivan in which most of it took place. She had arrived into our family long after the other three, long past the tiny sedan … Continue reading Driven
The swimsuit story
This is the real and true story of the First Day That I Had My Mom-Shit Together. It was also the last, for reasons you will soon see. I can only say that I was young and misguided and that I totally deserved every bit of the humiliation that happened that day. And that it … Continue reading The swimsuit story
A moving poem
It's been quite a week My big kids have been home! So all I can muster For this week is a poem Starting schools and new jobs Moving their stuff to another New place, they have needed Some help from their mother It's the end of the week now And so late at night But … Continue reading A moving poem
MEMO: System alert
Now that you know that I am (ahem) "bad with transitions", it should come as no surprise to you, here in the second week of August, that systems are breaking down. To: All Users From: Mom Re: Technical issues We are aware that some of our non-essential systems that are currently down, and that users … Continue reading MEMO: System alert
Coming home
It is the last day of vacation. "I'm bad with transitions," I announce to my family. As if that is actually a thing. I say it confidently, hoping that they will think I am speaking with the diagnostic authority of an old nurse, which they know better than to question. I hope it will sound … Continue reading Coming home
Everything I need to know I learned from my dog
We're in the dog days now, folks. I mean, we're in late July, so I can only assume that Sirius, the "dog star", is now rising before the sun, signaling the beginning of the hottest and - according to the Greeks and Romans and many of us modern day folks too, if for different reasons - … Continue reading Everything I need to know I learned from my dog
Beth, for one
"You've been to the beach by yourself before," my husband remarked casually, as he loaded a single beach chair, and the little cooler, the one that we almost never used, into the back of my car. I squared up and looked him in the eye. "Really?" I demanded. "When?" It came out more abruptly than … Continue reading Beth, for one
Of Moms and Men
Our tribe once had a name: we were the Boy Moms. We were the ones who stepped on Legos in bare feet in the middle of the night and yelled at our sons to please stop jumping off of the back of the couch. We demanded that they not hit each other with light sabers … Continue reading Of Moms and Men
How to be a Writer, in 10 easy steps
Pretend that you are already a Writer. Procrastinate doing any actual Writing, and instead practice telling people that you are a Writer, imagine writing your way to the New York Times Bestseller List, and plan your appearance on the Today Show. Mindlessly Google topics like "Tips for Successful Blogging", and "How to Know If You … Continue reading How to be a Writer, in 10 easy steps
Out of the box
I took the huge cardboard box down from the attic. It was the first time in decades that I'd really looked at it, even though we'd moved it several times, even though I had always known exactly where it was: behind the Halloween costumes, next to the sole surviving box of craft supplies. The box was covered … Continue reading Out of the box
Ants on a blog
I had left my day job, and was looking forward to a summer schedule, but I also knew that writers need structure, and that I very much need structure, or nothing gets done. I was looking for a way around that, when I thought of the #52for52 thing. I love writing so much when I'm … Continue reading Ants on a blog
Found
I watched in stunned disbelief as my friend's face started to change, to screw up into a shape in which I had never, in all the years I have known her, seen it before. Hers is an exceptionally expressive and lovely face, but this was so unfamiliar that I didn't know what was happening at … Continue reading Found
The golden hour
The school year ended quietly at my house. It was a tough year coming to a close, on an unseasonably cool and cloudy day. A cold and broken Hallelujah. Thank you GOD, I think, I move the early-alarm button back one click to the "off" position, we made it. It's ovah. It's not all the … Continue reading The golden hour
How Breast Cancer Comes Back: 10 Things to Know
The news that Olivia Newton-John's breast cancer has returned, a full 20 years after her original diagnosis and treatment, has many wondering, How does this even happen? A diagnosis of stage IV, or metastatic breast cancer (MBC) brings with it a life-changing and ongoing process of grieving and adjustment and treatment changes. This can be … Continue reading How Breast Cancer Comes Back: 10 Things to Know
I’m the one in the crown
I am 52 today. After cancer, your never take a single birthday for granted. You ask yourself how you got so lucky to have another one. Sometimes you still wonder how many more there will be. You learn not to mention this part to your friends and family, though, because it comes off vaguely morose, … Continue reading I’m the one in the crown
The power of story in survivorship
I've been busy working on, and was honored to deliver, this talk at the Johns Hopkins Survivorship CME today. I had the auspicious task of starting off the day by addressing the "patient experience" of survivorship and, like all of their speakers today, I only had 15 minutes! In the early days of my survivorship, … Continue reading The power of story in survivorship
Light in the house
It was early one morning, and the light was beginning to stream in the upstairs windows at my mom's house, when I was awakened by a knock at the door. I peeked out the window to check for a car in the circular driveway. There wasn't one. That wasn't good. Our house wasn't in a … Continue reading Light in the house
And on Saturday, nothing happened
"The waiting is the hardest part." - Tom Petty "Seriously, if you love me at all, just put me in a drug-induced coma and wake me when it's over." - Me It's Holy Saturday, otherwise known as The Day When Nothing Happened. It gets lost amid all the flashier days of Holy Week but it … Continue reading And on Saturday, nothing happened
Just for a second
I was putting some clothes in a bag today to give to Goodwill, and, just for a second, I thought, Save one of those button-down shirts just in case one of the kids needs a backwards art smock in the fall. Sometimes, I forget they are all grown up. Just for a second. I still find myself … Continue reading Just for a second
Comfort food
This is not a true story. This is a totally made up story which, if you do not know, is called fiction, so if you think that you might recognize the characters in my made up story, you must be mistaken. As a Real Writer, I have easily conjured the people in the story; it … Continue reading Comfort food
The Magician & the Queen of Hearts
Writing from prompts is so much fun, because the outcome is almost always a complete surprise. For me, it is exactly how Forrest Gump described a box of chocolates: "You never know what you're going to get." I wrote this quickly, mostly focused on making silly rhymes, but reading it now, I guess today's Daily Prompt: … Continue reading The Magician & the Queen of Hearts
Riding the Struggle Bus
In first grade, I took the public bus to school. The hometown of my youth, today a tony and sprawling suburb of Baltimore and D.C., was just a slice of Americana then, a small boating town where everyone knew everyone. Like most of the moms in our neighborhood, my mom had the car once a week, just one … Continue reading Riding the Struggle Bus
A letter to the baby of our family
We need to have a talk. It’s about something important. It’s about who your parents are. You've noticed, I'm sure, that sometimes I treat you differently than your older siblings. Well, there’s a reason for that. You're old enough now, and it’s time we talked about it. You have a different mom than the other … Continue reading A letter to the baby of our family
Crafting a troubled past
I was young; I didn't know any better, I thought to myself, as I tried to make sense of all the boxes. They were stacked one upon the other in the attic, large plastic bins with lids, smelling vaguely of oil paint. Masking tape labels from days gone by belied their contents: "Maternity clothes", "Snow … Continue reading Crafting a troubled past
Recognition
World Cancer Day and today's Daily Prompt: Recognize have me thinking about beginning to recognize yourself after cancer, and about recognizing cancer survivors everywhere. This is a post from 2012 which was called the Back Story. In 2006, I had a busy life: four kids aged 15 to 4, one funny husband, an enormous dog, an old … Continue reading Recognition
The invitation
The pleasure of your company is requested [here] The honour of your presence, the greatest gift. You are [always] invited to the celebration. Do not regret but rather, Accept with delight the kind invitation of the world. via Daily Prompt: Invitation
Exquisite tenderness
via Daily Prompt: Exquisite If you've ever been a patient (and seriously, by now, who hasn't?), you know that the medical community has a language all its own. But the lexicon is not just the -omas, -itises, and -opathies. It also includes the use of some everyday words that remain in use in charmingly old-fashioned ways, reminding … Continue reading Exquisite tenderness
How to knit a grown up
The holidays are over now, for real. Every young adult iteration of Christmas break -from the all-too-brief workaday kind to the endless weeks-on-end college kind - has ended. The “big kids” are gone. They have returned now to their parallel universes: their schools, jobs, and lives in townhouses, apartments, and smaller apartments where they live, … Continue reading How to knit a grown up
The stillness of the stone
“There’s something about the stillness of the stone,” my friend had said, understanding immediately my stammering explanation of why we’d bought the old place. She was just the sort of New Age friend who would say such a thing, so I ought not have been surprised. I was, though, just the same, surprised and pleased that she’d … Continue reading The stillness of the stone
QuiverVoice 